Losing my religion.

Several weeks ago, I was riding in the car with a friend of mine.  I don’t remember exactly what we were talking about, but I said something to which he replied “That’s because you’re a Buddhist.”

I have to admit, this was a bit of a surreal moment for me, because I immediately knew that this was most definitely true while also having no real clue as to what it meant.

While surviving, I spent the next couple weeks mulling his description and trying to figure out what it meant.  Now, the Buddhists are known to be a philosophic bunch, and while philosophizing would probably be the framework of my modus operandi, I was fairly certain this was not what he meant.

As it happens, I was driving to Gainesville the other day and listening to a Mosaic podcast (which are typically highly recommended… by me) and the subject was on the similarities between the world’s religions–in this case, Buddhism and Christianity.

* If I were Nicholson Baker or a columnist for Grantland, this next section would be a footnote.

Clearly, part of our condition is our propensity toward focusing on what divides us.  We draw lines, form battlements, and make judgements.  I’m not really sure if anyone is currently realizing this, but our tendency to divide is actually having a pretty negative effect on our political culture, etc.  I don’t think division/categorization/separation/segregation/apartheid are very healthy tendencies at all and we need to fight against them.  (Pro tip: if everyone starts by solving their own internal struggle,  then we don’t have to worry about anything external.)  Erwin McManus seems to agree, hence his lecture series.  (All this being said and in the interest of full disclosure, I’m actually working on a comedy called The Metaphlorist, in which a delivery driver realizes that everything informs everything else.) Footnote finished.

Anyway, I’m listening to this former Buddhist describe what exactly Buddhism is and I suddenly realize that I have most certainly been a pretty serious Buddhist.  A really pious and devout Buddhist.

I’m sure this might be a gross reduction, but the former Buddhist pretty much said that the point of Buddhism is to become fully detached thus insulating the self from any type of emotional pain.  In other words, if you don’t really care about anything, then it doesn’t really matter what happens.

And although I will readily admit that caring is an inherently risky behavior, I’m pretty sure that pure nirvanic detachment isn’t going to be very beneficial if one’s desire is to completely enjoy life–and I do desire joy.

So the next time I appear detached or am setting up some kind of effacive (I just made this word up) posturing, be like “Hey, you need to engage, buddy!”  We’ll all be better off.

Since I’m Spanish…

don’t shoot

To quote Will Farrell, this might get a little weird. Be advised.

This has been my preface.

From childhood, we are told that we are not the center of the universe. This is a convenient way of understanding that our selfish (read: self satisfying pleasure with complete disregard for anyone or anything else) desires need not always be met, be it immediately or at all. Or maybe a better way to say it is–you can’t always get what you want.

It is also easy to believe that we’re not the center of the universe when we can look around and clearly see other people, whom we must assume have thoughts and autonomous free will of their own, right?

This seems logical.

However, I grow more convinced everyday that, in fact, I am the center of the universe.

(Weird yet?)

And in the event you were wondering, this belief is independent of any Leary-esque experimentations.

I find that it is much easier for me to exercise self-control of said selfish desire when I think the universe is my own unique projection rather than when I think I’m just one of the specks within it. It’s almost like my actions carry more weight in the former scenario. You may think this makes me some kind of Napoleonic narcissist (which is probably the worst kind of narcissist), but in my universe this kind of selfishness leads to spiritual death, depression, and the desire that existence would simply end. Not really a desirable goal.

I am a subscriber to the teaching of Jesus that love wins, that loving others is actually my true desire (even though this is often lost by me) because loving is what brings life and a joyful energized existence that we want eternal. When I practice this loving, I find that I more easily see the logos that John says is Jesus and by proxy God. The Real. It has becomes clear to me, experientially, that this is the way of transcendence.

I find that I love better when I perceive everyone as an aspect of the self. Jesus claims we are One… why wouldn’t I take this plainly at face value?

(Now, I will be the first to admit that I have some pretty substantial mental and emotional issues, so I’ll grant that it’s possible that everything written above is nothing more than being very clearly indicative of these problems. Judging from the way I often act—in a negatively selfish manner—it’s also clear that I do not always unwaveringly believe it’s all about me…maybe not even often, certainly not often enough.)

Obviously, I spend a lot (way too much?) of my mental energies on self reflection…

I could probably wax more fully on the mechanisms of how all of this might be true, but I don’t think it’s all that important right now. However, I will leave you with a final thought—after all; this is supposed to be a blog not a book, right? I’m just enough of a polymath to have a vague understanding of string theory and quantum mechanics, etc. etc.  Please correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m under the impression that the latest in cutting edge physics suggests that there isn’t a universe at all; rather, we live in the multi-verse…

a new tide

If you ask me what I want for dinner, my standard response is “I don’t care”.  I don’t care until you suggest something that offends me, such as any southern style buffet, in which case I start caring in a hurry.

My suspicion is that the basis of my not caring is multi-faceted.

On the good hand, my laid back approach is helpful to my overall sanity.  I try not to fret and worry, and in general, I do a relatively good job with this.  I also think, particularly regarding examples such as dinner, if YOU have something you’d like to do, then I would love to be accommodating.

But this laissez-faire approach to living might also be a guise for me to shirk responsibility.  I wonder if I don’t let you choose dinner because if I chose, and was underwhelmed or worse, YOU were underwhelmed, then I would be responsible.  So not caring is a defense mechanism if you will.

Sometimes, I’ll say I don’t care, but I definitely do care.  I just don’t care enough.  I will settle rather than push toward what I truly envision or feel is possible. Perhaps, this is because I often choose lazy.

I also don’t want to burden anyone who might be working with me.  This is stupid but I do it anyway.  Sometimes people give and it’s not as good as what I think they can do or not as good as what I want them to do, yet I settle.  Other’s give and they don’t know what I want but would be happy to provide it if I were only more explicit.  In any case, by settling, I’m doing us all a disservice.

What horrible leadership qualities!   And I am a manager in a large corporation?

I really settled in a lot of ways during the recording of my record, Do The Good.  Several of the tracks are a C+ effort at what I think they really ought to be.  Bizarre. I’m affected by my negative leadership qualities.  I also get in a hurry(impatient, actually) and want things done at the expense of excellence.  And I’m pretty sure time is an illusion!  It makes no sense.  So if at some point you run into a semi-alternate version of a couple of these songs, this is why.

When I was 18 I bought my first tube amp.  I did a lot of research and thought about the bands I liked at the time and decided that the Mesa Tremoverb was for me. The Tremoverb is just the brains, so to speak, so I had to get a 4×12 cabinet to make the sound.  The whole thing weighed well over 120 pounds and was incredibly loud.

 I had this thing for 11 years before I realized that it wasn’t really for me.  I probably could have realized this  awhile ago.  But, and undoubtedly due to many of the aforementioned thoughts, I did not–I think for something  to actually be realized, an action must be taken (this is probably part of the definition, but for once, I didn’t look  it up).

Moreover, I think that I wanted the Mesa to be for me.  It was easy.  I already had it.  Trading it in would be  admitting a mistake or that I didn’t know or was wrong about what I want.

I want a lot of things to be  for me, but they aren’t.  In this case, the Mesa had too much gain (distortion) for  much of my style of playing– which, though some might call  “busy”,  I prefer to think of as “complex”!

So, last week, thanks in no small part to my cousin Drew for purchasing the Tremoverb head from me,  I was fortunate enough to afford a Bad Cat Cub II.  Thus far, it’s working well me.  In a lot of ways, it’s more my style.  I did not, could not know this back then.

The moral of this story is that we are often unaware of what we truly want.

We think we want something, sometimes we even get it, but we come to find out otherwise.  We are unsatisfied.  We know there is something better.

This is a general principle.

My hope for the future is not settling.  Not being too lazy to decide.  Not procrastinating. Not delaying decision when the outcome is clear.

(And doing something great with my new amp!)

when — = +

So for Lent, I decided to give up the seemingly obligatory Alcoholic beverage food group. (In retrospect, switching that around, like this guy, would have been much more interesting!)  I did this mostly because I thought I’d been drinking too much in the months leading up to Lent and not really because I thought this would be a big sacrifice.  So, I’m not sure it counts.  However, I bookended this fast with another fast which I refer to as a fast from “video games”.  If you invited me over to play xbox, I would come.  This is not that. This fast is from mindless solitary games that I would waste hours upon hours after I got home in the evening, particularly, the Settlers of Catan online.

If you were previously unaware or I had you confused, I am a dork.

This fast has been of great benefit.  I’ve read 4 books in 4 weeks for one.  My wife would say that I cheated on the last book by extreme reading–staying up until 2:30 am multiple nights–but the intention was good, as was the book!

2 things have struck me.

I have wasted an unbelievably inordinate amount of time doing what amounts to nothing remotely productive.  I understand that we all need to check out for awhile after a long day, but for me?  Come on, I started this blog on a Tuesday afternoon at 4:19 and after a 2 hour lunch with a couple of my friends…

I think that wasting time leads to depression which leads to wasting time.

The other observation I have had is the ease of the fasting in general.  I have not had an issue with longing for either of my two subjects.  I have arbitrarily created a rule that I cannot do X, and I would only be cheating myself if I broke the rule.  So it hasn’t been an issue.

The absurdity and much larger issue, which has been thusly exposed, is my constant cheating of myself when I am comparatively free to do whatever I want.  Presently, I’m not convinced freedom is good for me.  It ought to be.

If this is strictly a personal problem, is there a magic pill for this?  My fear is that contemporary thought seems to be that no one is perfect.  That they can’t be.  That this is an impossibility due to factors beyond our control.

If true, this system needs to be changed.  The world we live in is an utter inacceptablility when it comes to living as we ought/want/need, and needs to be rectified.

God are you listening?

Finally…

My daughter was born on October 24th.  This is Brixton.

I’m glad to have her (more glad every day, really), but I have not been able to start and complete a new song since we got her.  I think I have been drained.  She sometimes likes to listen to me play guitar, but I have been unable to put the pen to paper or find a cohesive musical vision for anything really, which has been somewhat frustrating.

Until yesterday.

Recently, I’ve been tooling around with what some might call “an old school Em jam,” the likes of which I am oh so fond.  But finally, the pieces came together for me. I do not have the music to display in this moment… but I do believe it will have a public debut sometime in June (which is a different sort of excitement in itself).

Once I actually made some time to work on lyrics and melody–thank you to Jennifer for not making me go to Springtime Tallahassee with you!–they arrived.  I think my recent mental musings have shaped my current writings in a quickening sort of way.

So that is what this is about.  That we are singularly unique and the same.  That we will know this fully one day.  That love is the glue; the ether, if you will, that connects and is the how and why, and is the calling and magnet for who we are to fully become both individually and collectively.  Intrinsic.

 

Love—

Expanding.  Ours. Without walls.

The future. Us. Transcending all

the reasoning, and reasons for

life, and our hope

that all will know us.

He is love not giving up,

unfetters us with outstretched arms.

He is love. Won’t turn and run,

faults none and whispers in our hearts

Intrinsic, we were.

Intrinsic, we will to be.

We—

Collective and unconsciously

perfected selves in harmony.

Set apart, foreshadowing

life, and our hope

that all will know us.

He is love not giving up,

unfetters us with outstretched arms.

He is love. Won’t turn and run,

faults none and whispers in our hearts

Intrinsic, we were.

Intrinsic, we will to be.

You and I, we are.

With love, comes one.

And he comes for all.

Intrinsic, we were.

Intrinsic, we will to be.

Intrinsic, we are.